Basic stats are tabulated and lumped together: You’re not only playing for your own Win-Loss record-you’re contributing to the greater good of your ‘mates. In Europe, large countries are broken down into cultural districts, so a Frenchman in sunny Montpellier can square off against an opponent from grimy Dunkerque. You join the Club of your choice: Canada is organized by provinces, states in the U.S.

The download-only Wii Sports Club for Wii U takes advantage of our own geographic loyalties and organizes all online play by region. (I grew up in Michigan state rivalries may be juvenile and unreasonable, but they’re real.) I had no idea I wanted to play Wii Tennis competitively with strangers until I fired up my first match and saw two identical Miis on the other side of the court, maniacally swinging their racquets as if swatting invisible, persistent bees. That this person was from Ohio only cemented my immediate urge to crush him. This is the element that’s been missing from Wii Sports for seven long years: Long-distance intimidation. My hand-drawn face is shown in profile, a line of dashes shooting from my eyes, the words scribbled in my own handwriting: “I’m watching you.” Most players so far opt for one of the defaults: “Let’s do this!” Tyler’s text bubble announces. A pre-selected message, either typed or scrawled out on the Wii U GamePad, welcomes your opponent. Cut to a dramatic Versus screen, each Mii head on either side of a flaming lightning bolt bisecting the television. I’m standing again, thwacking tennis balls into buckets placed across the court while waiting for a match.

Wii sports golf ace